So i was sitting down in a bus ride this evening, eventually thinking of you.
I somehow always miss you during bus/train rides or walks when i’m on my own. It sucks because i don’t want to think about you but it seems like my brain still get used to it.
The thing i just realised is that i don’t deserve you.
It’s not that i sucked, it’s the fact that you deserve someone better than me. Someone who loves you so much she won’t bother you with major differences you both had.
And hoping that, in any kind of situation, we could get back together is just………silly. It’s like chasing a rockstar and get them to kiss you.
Perhaps in the parallel universe such thing could happen. Perhaps there are rockstars dying to kiss me. Perhaps.
I don’t know just how it happened,
I let down my guard.
Swore I’d never fall in love again but I fell hard.
Guess I should have seen it coming,
Caught me by surprise.
I wasn’t looking where i was going,
I fell into your eyes.
You came into my crazy world,
Like a cool and cleansing grace.
Before I knew what hit me baby,
You were flowing though my veins.
I’m addicted to you,
Hooked on your love,
Like a powerful drug
I can’t get enough of.
Lost in your eyes,
Drowning in blue
I’m outta control, What can I do?
I’m addicted to you!
When night blows in through the window,
Dances ‘round the room.
Got me hypnotized,
I’m getting high on the perfume.
I couldn’t live without you now,
Oh, I know I’d go insane,
I wouldn’t last one night alone baby,
I couldn’t stand the pain!
1. Write about something you’re passionate about.
2. Write a strong thesis.
3. Use yourself as a source.
4. Consult the experts.
5. Choose your audience.
"The trick is to give yourself something to write about that reflects your interests and truly fascinates you, something that you would want to know more about even if you hadn’t been assigned a paper."
Intro: Love in here means the kind of love you experienced in a young adult phase.
I was just getting to bed when this thought comes to mind, the thought of questioning whether love was what i used to have before.
Everyday, almost everyday after i broke up, i thought of him. There’s no day going by without wondering how he’s doing, how far he’s moved on, how some random “nowadays-style” guys are looking very much like him, etc, etc. I feel like i’ve let go, but haven’t really moved on yet.
This past week, i’ve been trying to figure out what am i good and bad at. I wanna know how far i’ve developed myself from “can’t” to “can” and things i needed to fix before it becomes a bad habit that could cost me failure. So i thought i could simply ask him, after all, he used to know me the most.
But then after e-mailing him and reading the response carefully, i realised that he knows almost nothing about me. Like all he sees is only this Ella everyone knows, this Ella that even i know. And then he told me that one of my weaknesses is that i was like hmmm let’s just say i flirted him a lot and he didn’t like that.
Dear the guy, if you ever in any kind of force, ever read this post, i just want to let you know that it cost me an inch of my dignity to flirt you, and i didn’t inform you how much i actually didn’t want to be such a whore because i truthfully only want that relationship to stay alive, to stay exciting, to still put a smile on my face when i thought that in thousand miles apart you still think of me like i did here.
Now, as i connected the dots, i realised that i’d been taking a really bad care of the relationship, i used some wrong approach such as lying to my parents and being all bitchy for him, who after all this 3 years does’t know me at all and i used to think how i’ve learned about love the hard way? Was it even love? Oh God!!!!!! I must’ve been terribly blinded!!!!
Moral of the story:
Girls, if you ever involved in a relationship where it feels so good, so sound and secure when you’re with him and you can tell everyone, like literally everyone, including your parents about how awesome he is then never ever lose him. But if at some point, you ever feel guilty or there is something wrong about relationship then it’s your heart telling you it’s a dead end, don’t blind yourself and tell your head some comforting words. Better make a plan to cut it early than waiting for the time-bomb to explode.
Ps: This post is not suppose to offend anyone, it’s written just to share some learnings i got.
Ps2: Or maybe he’s right, maybe i’m just this plain girl that does some design, can play Photoshop well, an Apple geek, and can’t manage her time well.
Things I Learned from a 3-Years-Interfaith-and-Long-Distance-Relationship
A few weeks ago, i just got out of my very first romantic relationship. We were together for three years, we passed too many happy and sad moments together, we learned about each other’s faith and we embraced diversity in ourselves, we spent almost two years trusting each other from distance, sometimes we lied to our parents to spend times together, we gave presents, and we talked to each other almost all the time. I don’t know what was it if it wasn’t love. But i’m only 20 y.o and he was my first boyfriend so what do i know about love?
All i know is that i feel safe whenever he’s around, i can imagine us spending or life together, our wedding would be awesome because we both spend lots of our time working on designs, we would have two children, the eldest is a boy and the youngest will be a girl. He’d make a great dad to them and i’ll learn how to cook as great as my mom. We will live in an amazing house, we’ll both pursue our dream jobs or we build our own empire. And everyday, i’ll wake up next to him, knowing that whatever comes in life, i’ll face it together with him.
This relationship has given me so much learnings. I have been able to keep up this relationship for three years because i’m a faithful person, a good listener, and i’m not a self-centred person. I know that i’m worth a lot and i have God by my side, powering me with His love.
But i also learned that may be, if i ever love again, i should never tear down those walls i used to build to protect myself, i should never expect much from a relationship because it fails all the time, i should never ever involve in an inter-faith relationship because it leads you nowhere, i should put more focus on devoting my life to God rather than depending on a person that could easily kick you out of their life, i should never involve in a relationship that requires me to choose on lying to my parents, and last, i should be a good friend to every friends i had because they will contribute a lot in
helping me moved on from every failures i might face in the future.
Until this post is written, love hurts, so bad. It hurts so much more knowing that the guy has moved on, making me feel like this shitty girl he can invite in and kick out easily.
“Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.”—Maybe in Another Universe, I Deserve You - Gaby Dunn